Today has been on of the toughest days. I am not sure if it is because it's Thanksgiving or not. I'm obviously thankful for so many things. Yet, my heart aches and I'm angry and not thankful for some of the most recent events in our lives. I'm thankful for the chance to hold our baby boy-to kiss him and be with him. Yet, not thankful that he is not with us in this world. I'm not thankful to have gone into labor so soon. I'm not thankful for my body that is always seemingly out to get me. I'm not thankful for feeling so alone. How can I be feeling so alone when surrounded by so many good people? Such caring family and friends?
My arms are empty, my stomach is empty, my heart is empty. This week was supposed to be so different. My mom and grandmother were coming in town and we were supposed to be celebrating our pregnancy in excitement and anticipation of what was to come in a few months. Instead, we are celebrating and mourning a life gone too soon. It's been a week since we found out the tragic news of our child that I was trying so desperately to protect inside of me. It's been almost a week since I gave birth to our son and said goodbye in the very same moments.
I am feeling cheated today. I'm angry and I want our son back in my stomach, growing and kicking because he's antsy that I ate so much food today. I have no hunger, other than to hold Wyatt again and to protect him like I should be in these moments.
I miss you Wyatt. I miss you terribly. I'm thankful you are in a peaceful place, but today I am being selfish and I want you back. I need you back. I want to show you what wonderful parents we are. I want to shower you with hugs and kisses and never let you go. Our hearts will never let you go.
Peace to you my baby boy. I can see your face as if you are here with us now. Peace be with you and peace be in our hearts for just knowing you.
2 weeks ago
6 comments:
It's ok to feel angry!!
Oh Charlotte, how my heart aches for you. You don't know me but I am sending you hugs and prayers for peace. I cannot even imagine what you are going through but I admire the strength you have shown by what you have shared. You are such a strong woman and no one should ever have to go through this. I am so very sorry for everything you are going through. Words just cannot express it enough. I wish for you peace and that some day God will make up for all this hurt. You have to believe that as painful as this is, that in time it will get better. God won't make a mountain you can't climb. Just trust in that even though some days I know that will seem impossible. May God bring you peace and healing. *hugs*
Sending you lots of hugs. I completely understand - this has not been a good day for me either. Today was the day that we were going to announce to the whole family that we were pregnant and out of the first trimester. I also feel angry and have tried to be thankful for what I still have, but some how keep feeling cheated.
Here is to tomorrow being a bit easier!
Allison,
All of the thoughts and feelings you expressed here are very normal to be experiencing with what you have just been through. This does not make you selfish in any way.
I know there are no words I can say to make you feel better. I know that there is no way to possibly capture how sad I am for you and Weston.
Quite honestly, having Thanksgiving happen right after your exquisitely painful loss must magnify the pain in some ways... because it brings up all of that 'thankfulness and gratitude' at a time when you're understandably hurt and upset that you've suffered this loss.
Allison... I am so, so sorry for all of your pain and I'm thinking about you all the time. You and Weston are in my thoughts.
Peace,
Jeanne
You have a right to be angry, sad and hurt. I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through, but please know you are never and never will be alone. We are all here for you and we are feeling some of the emptiness you may be going through. *hugs*
i am really at a loss for words, i just feel terrible that this had to happen, i am so sorry :(
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