- "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby (and, how do you know they can?!?!). The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.
- "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it.
- "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.
- (For an early loss) "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimize and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.
- (For an early loss) "It wasn't really a baby yet" - If it wasn't a baby what was it?
- "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen". You have NO idea of a person's situation or what they have gone through to get to this point.
BUT, if in doubt, say something - anything - and be prepared to listen. Possibly the hardest thing, even harder than hearing an insensitive comment, is when people say nothing at all. Don't ignore the subject just because you are uncomfortable. Those who have suffered a loss need to talk about the loss and want people to acknowledge that the pain is very real.
5 comments:
Its amazing how clueless people are and don't realize what they are saying. *hugs*
You are awesome.
I think people are afraid of saying the wrong thing so many say nothing. Or you get the insensitive, but often well-meaning advice. I received many of the comments similar to the ones on your post. I had to tell myself that those were things that those people really felt and that they were trying to help me "get better" by sharing with me. I believe the only thing worth saying is "I don't understand it either and I wish we could take the pain from you so you didn't have to feel it every day". That is what I wish someone would have said to me. Different situation of course, but painful for us. I've never "gotten over it" as some hoped I would, but it did get less painful. Time helps to heal wounds, but it takes a lot of prayer, lots of talking/writing, and going through the stages of grief to get to a healing place. Continued prayers going up girl for as long as it takes to find you peace!
oh honey, i hope you are not getting insensitive comments like this :(
Indeed...I've gotten a few. Not from friends though. Just from those I am acquainted with.
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